Patricia Lincourt is an extraordinary horse trainer and riding instructor working in the Los Angeles area. Patricia owns and runs Lincourt Stables, a traditional hunter jumper barn at The Paddock Riding Club on Rigali Avenue. Ms. Lincourt has a lifetime of experience with horses and has trained and taught riding for many years. In addition to helping her students and horses to become the best show jumpers that they can be, Patricia has recently added a new method to her training repertoire and is using it to great advantage with a few of the horses under her tutelage: clicker training.
The use of clicker training with horses is a relatively recent event in the horse world, but it is becoming an increasingly widespread and popular training tool. Many professional horse trainers as well as amateur horse owners have discovered that clicker training can produce some amazing results, if used correctly and consistently over a period of time. First developed by zoo keepers and handlers of marine mammals in wild animal parks, clicker training involves using a small hand-held clicker to make a defined and unique sound that is recognized by the animal as a marker of a specific behavior.
By clicking the instant the animal performs what it is being asked, the trainer can reinforce that behavior and then reward the animal with food, treats or play. Using the snapping noise of a clicker is more consistent and less confusing than vocal signals or voice commands because it doesn’t sound like anything else and isn’t used or overheard at any other time. To get an idea of what a clicker sounds like, think of a Purim grogger or that small metal toy that makes a cricket-like sound when pushed. Some clicker training involves a long pole with a soft rubber or foam ball at the end, called a target. The animal is asked to approach and touch the target with its mouth or flipper, in order to get a food treat or reward.
Clicker training to a target was developed to enable handlers and veterinarians to get close to and examine large animals such as dolphins, sea lions and killer whales, and encourage the animals to allow themselves to be touched and handled. Getting close to a large, powerful animal that spends most of its time in the water is a tricky but essential part of caring for marine mammals. Clicker training also provides mental and physical stimulation to highly intelligent and energetic animals in captivity. If you’ve ever seen a show at Sea World with a leaping dolphin or splashing killer whale doing tricks on cue for the trainer, it’s a good bet that clicker training was involved.
When she was given a very difficult horse to work with and discovered that conventional training methods were not doing the trick, Pat turned to clicker training. No amount of groundwork or gentling could convince Buddy, a six year old paint horse, to allow anyone to ride him or even get on his back without bucking them off. Cowboy-style techniques that tried to “break” the horse failed miserably. Even Parelli’s methods of using groundwork to join up with and gain the horse’s trust did not succeed, once a rider tried to get near Buddy’s back or into the saddle. Buddy’s owner was about to give up all hope and send the young horse out to pasture, when she asked Pat to give it one last try.
Lincourt decided to try clicker training when she found herself with a horse that did not respond to conventional training methods. Pat had heard about clicker training from a book by Shawna Karrasch, “You Can Train Your Horse to Do Anything.” Shawna had worked at Sea World as a marine mammal trainer for many years when she became interested in the possibilities of applying clicker techniques to horse training. No longer at Sea World, Shawna has worked as a horse trainer for professional show jumpers since 1995 and is the owner of and co-founder of "On Target Training." [Note: Shawna Karrasch's website can be found at http://www.on-target-training.com/]
Pat decided to teach herself how to clicker train using Shawna’s book and instructional video, hoping that she could turn Buddy around. She began training with the usual tools, a clicker and a target pole and food treats. Buddy turned out to be particularly challenging to train because he turned up his nose at all the usual horse treats. He hated carrots and scoffed at most other foods that were offered to him. With persistence and patience, Pat finally hit upon his motivation: anything with molasses! Armed with molasses-infused treats, she set out to gain the horse’s trust and try to calm down his fear and deeply-ingrained bucking behavior.
“Clicker training is not a quick fix,” Pat cautions. “It won’t work unless you take your time, move slowly and incrementally and do it with consistency.” She notes that her hunter-jumper students are not particularly interested in learning clicker training because of its slow progress and need for patience and absolute consistency of method. Buddy was not a complete success in Pat’s opinion because he didn’t become a completely calm and dependable riding horse. But he was able to allow her to get on him and learned not to buck her off.
Although she feels that she just didn’t have enough time to complete Buddy’s training before the owner decided to sell him, she does think his prospects were improved. Buddy became a much more trusting and less volatile horse, and given more time with him, Pat believes that he would have been a good prospect for pulling a cart or working as part of a team of horses that pull a stagecoach or wagon. It’s clear that he didn’t have much of a chance at all until Pat gave him her time and attention, and used clicker training to get his mind focused and calm, helping him to overcome fear and bad habits. Buddy was sold, though not as a riding horse, and was given a new lease on life, thanks to Pat.
To be continued....
August 12, 2009
Equine Clicker Training with Pat Lincourt: part two
On a recent weekday afternoon at The Paddock Riding Club, Pat Lincourt was kind enough to allow me to observe a brief clicker training session with one of her client's horses. Jake is a talented jumper from New Zealand. This large, athletic horse has been injured and unable to work; he's cooped up in his stall day after day, with a lot of pent-up energy. Even at his best, Jake has a tendency to bolt when turned out for exercise. Imagine the intensity and power that will be unleashed after weeks of layup in his stall.
Bolting is a common and scary issue for many horse owners. As the horse is being walked to the turnout paddock, it anticipates being allowed to run free, gets worked up just as the paddock gate is being opened, and starts to pull. The horse might take off before the handler can safely remove the halter, close the gate and get out of the way. It's a potential disaster in the making because the risk of injury to horse and handler increases over time. Jake's bolting needed to be corrected.
Patricia decided to try adding clicker training to Jake’s usual routine. She hoped that the mental stimulation of clicker training would help to keep the horse occupied, use up some of his excess energy, and allow him to focus on her instead of bolting when he is taken to his turnout paddock. Pat enters Jake’s stall and shows him the target pole. She has a treat pouch around her waist, but doesn’t put a treat in her hand just yet. Pat says “target” and waits for Jake to figure out that he is supposed to touch his nose to the end of the pole. If he does, she clicks, instantly – timing is crucial to mark the correct or wanted behavior – and then takes a treat out and offers it to Jake. Over time, Pat moves the target farther away from Jake, little by little, until he has to come to her in order to touch the pole.
Eventually, when the horse is successful most of the time, Pat moves the target pole to another location in the stall, and stands in a corner. When she says “target" this time, Jake will have to go over to the target pole, touch it, and then walk back over to where Pat is standing in order to get his treat. Progess takes place very slowly, and consistency is key. Clicker training requires many repetitions, but it's vital to take the time to cement behaviors before moving on.
Building slowly towards more complex cues is very important if you want the horse to learn and remember. Now, after a few weeks of training sessions, Pat can ask Jake to do something that involves moving away from or towards her, just by clicking. This means that Jake will be responsive to Pat from a distance, even if she doesn't have a lead rope or reins in her hand. She will have the ability to communicate with and direct the horse, without having to use a halter, bit or lunge line.
With patience, the training possibilities are virtually limitless. Imagine a horse that is afraid to climb up into a trailer, or just refuses to budge, and the ordeal it becomes to load that horse. With proper clicker training, that obstinate or fearful horse can be encouraged to move forward, no matter what, towards a target, in anticipation of a food reward. This conditioning will allow the horse to “forget” that it’s afraid of trailers, to move towards the target pole when asked, even if it’s placed inside of the trailer, and then receive a treat. You start slowly, asking the horse to take just one or two steps forward. Then move on to a more complex behavior, with lots of repetition, consistency and patience.
After several clicker training sessions, the horse can be directed to stand with all four hooves placed on a mat on the ground, and then to move forward onto the mat from an increasing distance away. Eventually the mat can be put inside the trailer, and the clicker and treat reward can be repeated. The horse will forget to focus on the fear of walking up into a trailer, but will respond instead to the clicker and the promise of the treat that he'll receive, once he's standing inside the trailer, on the mat.
Under the right circumstances and with enough time and dedication, clicker training can work wonders for a variety of common issues and behavioral problems in horses. Jake has learned to calm down and focus while getting much less exercise than he’s used to, and Patricia is confident that he will learn not to bolt into his turnout paddock, now that he pays attention to her when she clicks and treats.
After only a few weeks of clicker training, Jake is responding quickly to the cues and has become much more manageable and calm. Pat has started using a clicker and target pole with other horses in her barn and is already seeing improvement. While emphasizing that clicker training is not a "magic bullet" for resolving all behaviorial problems, Pat believes that with consistent work and lots of time and patience, it can become an effective and valuable addition to any horse trainer's repertoire.
To contact Pat Lincourt and Lincourt Stables:
Website: www.LincourtStables.com
E-mail: gone2horses@gmail.com
Tel: 818.822.0881
The Paddock Riding Club: http://www.thepaddockla.net/
Bolting is a common and scary issue for many horse owners. As the horse is being walked to the turnout paddock, it anticipates being allowed to run free, gets worked up just as the paddock gate is being opened, and starts to pull. The horse might take off before the handler can safely remove the halter, close the gate and get out of the way. It's a potential disaster in the making because the risk of injury to horse and handler increases over time. Jake's bolting needed to be corrected.
Patricia decided to try adding clicker training to Jake’s usual routine. She hoped that the mental stimulation of clicker training would help to keep the horse occupied, use up some of his excess energy, and allow him to focus on her instead of bolting when he is taken to his turnout paddock. Pat enters Jake’s stall and shows him the target pole. She has a treat pouch around her waist, but doesn’t put a treat in her hand just yet. Pat says “target” and waits for Jake to figure out that he is supposed to touch his nose to the end of the pole. If he does, she clicks, instantly – timing is crucial to mark the correct or wanted behavior – and then takes a treat out and offers it to Jake. Over time, Pat moves the target farther away from Jake, little by little, until he has to come to her in order to touch the pole.
Eventually, when the horse is successful most of the time, Pat moves the target pole to another location in the stall, and stands in a corner. When she says “target" this time, Jake will have to go over to the target pole, touch it, and then walk back over to where Pat is standing in order to get his treat. Progess takes place very slowly, and consistency is key. Clicker training requires many repetitions, but it's vital to take the time to cement behaviors before moving on.
Building slowly towards more complex cues is very important if you want the horse to learn and remember. Now, after a few weeks of training sessions, Pat can ask Jake to do something that involves moving away from or towards her, just by clicking. This means that Jake will be responsive to Pat from a distance, even if she doesn't have a lead rope or reins in her hand. She will have the ability to communicate with and direct the horse, without having to use a halter, bit or lunge line.
With patience, the training possibilities are virtually limitless. Imagine a horse that is afraid to climb up into a trailer, or just refuses to budge, and the ordeal it becomes to load that horse. With proper clicker training, that obstinate or fearful horse can be encouraged to move forward, no matter what, towards a target, in anticipation of a food reward. This conditioning will allow the horse to “forget” that it’s afraid of trailers, to move towards the target pole when asked, even if it’s placed inside of the trailer, and then receive a treat. You start slowly, asking the horse to take just one or two steps forward. Then move on to a more complex behavior, with lots of repetition, consistency and patience.
After several clicker training sessions, the horse can be directed to stand with all four hooves placed on a mat on the ground, and then to move forward onto the mat from an increasing distance away. Eventually the mat can be put inside the trailer, and the clicker and treat reward can be repeated. The horse will forget to focus on the fear of walking up into a trailer, but will respond instead to the clicker and the promise of the treat that he'll receive, once he's standing inside the trailer, on the mat.
Under the right circumstances and with enough time and dedication, clicker training can work wonders for a variety of common issues and behavioral problems in horses. Jake has learned to calm down and focus while getting much less exercise than he’s used to, and Patricia is confident that he will learn not to bolt into his turnout paddock, now that he pays attention to her when she clicks and treats.
After only a few weeks of clicker training, Jake is responding quickly to the cues and has become much more manageable and calm. Pat has started using a clicker and target pole with other horses in her barn and is already seeing improvement. While emphasizing that clicker training is not a "magic bullet" for resolving all behaviorial problems, Pat believes that with consistent work and lots of time and patience, it can become an effective and valuable addition to any horse trainer's repertoire.
To contact Pat Lincourt and Lincourt Stables:
Website: www.LincourtStables.com
E-mail: gone2horses@gmail.com
Tel: 818.822.0881
The Paddock Riding Club: http://www.thepaddockla.net/
May 26, 2009
Here we go again!
The California Supreme Court just ruled to uphold Proposition 8, banning same-sex marriages. For more on Prop. 8 and how it impacts all of us, please see my entry below, from December, 2008. And check-out my column on Examiner.com for another take on the recent decision. Search "Rachel Pray" or "LA Animal Training" on the homepage to find my entries.
Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of our lives!
For more on the recent decision, see my entry "Cats and dogs and human rights" on the Los Angeles Examiner.com website or follow the link below:
http://www.examiner.com/x-11536-LA-Animal-Training-Examiner
Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of our lives!
For more on the recent decision, see my entry "Cats and dogs and human rights" on the Los Angeles Examiner.com website or follow the link below:
http://www.examiner.com/x-11536-LA-Animal-Training-Examiner
May 11, 2009
Mother's Day Update
My wonderful daughter, Talya, rose to the occasion and made breakfast for her moms yesterday! I have to amend my earlier post to include this news, in the interest of fairness and accuracy. She even cleaned up the kitchen afterwards. Wow. Laura and I had almost forgotten what it feels like to just relax on a Sunday morning -- no cooking, no dishes, just reading in the backyard, relaxing in the sunshine and birdsong. Talya, I'm so proud and humbled to be your mother -- you never cease to impress and amaze me. It was the best French toast ever!
To continue the celebration, we dragged our helpful daughter to the Arclight for a Lesbian Mothers' Day double feature: "The Soloist" followed by "Star Trek." A little politics, a little sci-fi, some hard reality, some fantastic special effects. Talya enjoyed both films, though she didn't grow up with the Star Trek characters and had to focus instead on the "cuteness" of the actors. She was moved by Robert Downey Jr.'s natural performance and the sadness of the close-to-home reality of Nathianel Ayre's life. Talya has helped to distribute food to some of LA's homeless population, and has a pretty good idea, from those experiences, what it's really like for people who live on the street in this city. "The Soloist" did a fairly decent job of shining a light on our enormous and dire homelessness problem. As Tom Waits sings, "there's a city going on underground, underground."
In between films, I spotted Linda Hunt sitting on a bench in the lobby. I've admired her brave and gender-bending work in films like "The Year Of Living Dangerously" and "The Bostonians" for decades. I couldn't resist saying hello. Ms. Hunt was incredibly gracious, genuinely friendly, and happy to talk with us. It was a very cool LA moment. Where else can you go to the movie theatre and meet Linda Hunt? She thought "The Soloist" was, in her words, "a bit schmaltzy," but she is British, after all.
As a nation, we've tended to forget the political origins of many national holidays, and Mother's Day is no exception. Julia Ward Howe, a peace, anti-slavery and women's rights activist, started Mother's Day in 1870. She wanted the day to be a peaceful and yearly reminder about the cost of war, and a protest by American mothers against sending their sons (and daughters) off to kill or be killed in the interests of patriotism. Mother's Day wasn't supposed to be a day of cards and brunches, movies and French toast, it was life or death. Let's bring back Ms. Howe's original intention and maybe we can save some lives, in the future, here and abroad.
Our weekend started with meeting another amazing woman in the film business. Melissa Silverstein, who writes the acclaimed "Women and Hollywood" blog, met with us in Los Feliz. She was visiting from Brooklyn, on a junket for Focus Features. Melissa works tirelessly to promote films that are written, directed and/or produced by women. Her blog is a source of valuable, hard to find and relevant information about women in film. No one else is doing what Melissa does to promote and support the films that are being made by women in the (yes, it's true) overwhelmingly male-centered film industry. She finds and alerts us to projects that we might otherwise miss. Her insightful critiques of popular culture, reviews and interviews with writers, producers and actors, are a pleasure to read. It was wonderful to have a chance to meet with her, and we look forward to her future projects. I highly recommend adding Melissa Silverstein's blog to your weekly (or daily) online reading list: www.womenandhollywood.com
Hope all of the mothers and daughters and sons had as fun and relaxing a Mother's Day as we did yesterday. Thanks, Talya! Your moms love you. Oh, and Miss California? Bite me!!
To continue the celebration, we dragged our helpful daughter to the Arclight for a Lesbian Mothers' Day double feature: "The Soloist" followed by "Star Trek." A little politics, a little sci-fi, some hard reality, some fantastic special effects. Talya enjoyed both films, though she didn't grow up with the Star Trek characters and had to focus instead on the "cuteness" of the actors. She was moved by Robert Downey Jr.'s natural performance and the sadness of the close-to-home reality of Nathianel Ayre's life. Talya has helped to distribute food to some of LA's homeless population, and has a pretty good idea, from those experiences, what it's really like for people who live on the street in this city. "The Soloist" did a fairly decent job of shining a light on our enormous and dire homelessness problem. As Tom Waits sings, "there's a city going on underground, underground."
In between films, I spotted Linda Hunt sitting on a bench in the lobby. I've admired her brave and gender-bending work in films like "The Year Of Living Dangerously" and "The Bostonians" for decades. I couldn't resist saying hello. Ms. Hunt was incredibly gracious, genuinely friendly, and happy to talk with us. It was a very cool LA moment. Where else can you go to the movie theatre and meet Linda Hunt? She thought "The Soloist" was, in her words, "a bit schmaltzy," but she is British, after all.
As a nation, we've tended to forget the political origins of many national holidays, and Mother's Day is no exception. Julia Ward Howe, a peace, anti-slavery and women's rights activist, started Mother's Day in 1870. She wanted the day to be a peaceful and yearly reminder about the cost of war, and a protest by American mothers against sending their sons (and daughters) off to kill or be killed in the interests of patriotism. Mother's Day wasn't supposed to be a day of cards and brunches, movies and French toast, it was life or death. Let's bring back Ms. Howe's original intention and maybe we can save some lives, in the future, here and abroad.
Our weekend started with meeting another amazing woman in the film business. Melissa Silverstein, who writes the acclaimed "Women and Hollywood" blog, met with us in Los Feliz. She was visiting from Brooklyn, on a junket for Focus Features. Melissa works tirelessly to promote films that are written, directed and/or produced by women. Her blog is a source of valuable, hard to find and relevant information about women in film. No one else is doing what Melissa does to promote and support the films that are being made by women in the (yes, it's true) overwhelmingly male-centered film industry. She finds and alerts us to projects that we might otherwise miss. Her insightful critiques of popular culture, reviews and interviews with writers, producers and actors, are a pleasure to read. It was wonderful to have a chance to meet with her, and we look forward to her future projects. I highly recommend adding Melissa Silverstein's blog to your weekly (or daily) online reading list: www.womenandhollywood.com
Hope all of the mothers and daughters and sons had as fun and relaxing a Mother's Day as we did yesterday. Thanks, Talya! Your moms love you. Oh, and Miss California? Bite me!!
May 7, 2009
Mother's Day & Motherless Day
In honor of Mother's Day this weekend, I'm reading an amazing book, "Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety," by Judith Warner. Ms. Warner lived for six years in France, giving birth to and raising two young children there, before returning home to Washington, D.C. in 2004. After partaking in and benefiting from the European culture of parenting, and feeling no guilt about being a working mother, she was stunned by the guilt and pressure she felt after returning to the U.S. In France, women are encouraged to work and to spend time with other adults, including their spouse, instead making children the center of their lives.
In fact, a mother's over-involvement in her child's life is discouraged in French society, considered neurotic and unhealthy for both mother and child. Childcare is provided, for a negligible fee, by the French government, midwives and nannies are subsidized and affordable, and public schools are beyond adequate in providing education to all children, from preschool on. Warner was shocked to discover a culture of guilt, anxiety and perfectionism in the suburbs of middle class America. She dissects this profound difference in cultural values from a personal and well-informed journalistic perspective. Highly recommended to all, but required reading for any mother who has ever felt stressed out by the impossible standards and expectations placed on us by society, each other, and most importantly, ourselves.
Mother's Day is always a complex and bittersweet experience for me. When I was my daughter's age -- Talya is 11 -- I got up early and tiptoed downstairs to make pancakes for my mom. My little brother would join me and help as much as he could, setting out plates on a tray to take upstairs, and offering suggestions for the shape of the pancakes. I made hearts, animals, and even spelled out "MOM" with a few splatters and blobs of batter. It was fun, I felt grownup, and my mom loved having her breakfast served to her in bed. Even if it was a little bit burnt or gooey. My daughter is the best and most wonderful daughter that I ever could have imagined. She's smart, funny, artistic, and unique. But, she doesn't make me pancakes on Mother's Day.
That was a different time. These days, most kids don't use the stove without adult supervision, and most moms don't get to stay in bed, or sleep in on Sundays, or ever. I love Talya's hand-made cards and art projects from school, and keep them all. She has to do double duty, because she has two moms, so it's especially lovely to see her joyful face when she hands us our two Mothers' Day cards! But there is another, less joyful feeling that rises up in my chest on each and every Mother's Day. There is something missing, and the absence is profound. My mother, Ellen, would have loved Talya's cards, because she, too, was an artist. Talya never got a chance to meet her grandmother Ellen, because my mom died a long time ago. I miss her still.
If you're like me, part of an ever-growing tribe of adult women who no longer have a mother to call, send a card to, or make pancakes for, Mother's Day can feel lonely and surreal, a celebration and a memorial, all rolled into one. Over the many years since my mother died (26 Mother's Days have passed without her), I've found strategies for dealing with my sadness, and a community of Motherless Daughters -- kinfolk, so to speak -- to share my complicated feelings and dispel the loneliness.
Four years ago, I was privileged to be part of a wonderful and much-needed project that focussed on the motherless among us. It was the creation of the anthology, "Kiss Me Goodnight: Stories and Poems by Women Who Were Girls When Their Mothers Died." Lovingly edited and midwived by Ann O'Fallon and Margaret Vaillancourt, this book became a living, breathing project when the many contributing writers began to gather for readings at bookstores, colleges, and community centers around the country.
I organized one of the many Mother's Day readings of "Kiss Me Goodnight," at a Barnes & Noble bookstore in Amherst, in 2005. Several contributing authors showed up to participate. This small reading, publicized only with flyers, word of mouth, and a small announcement in the local paper, attracted the largest audience of any book reading at that popular college-town bookstore. To say that the motherless daughters of western Massachusetts were feeling a need to gather, and honor the memories of their mothers on Mother's Day, was an understatement. It was standing-room only.
My daughter came up and sat with me as I introduced the authors, and later read my poem. My partner, in-laws and brothers were there to lend support. It took all of my self-control and composure to keep from weeping as I looked out into that sea of women, and saw myself. The admiration, kinship and love I felt for those complete strangers threatened to overwhelm me. We are members of a quiet, nearly invisible club, and when we see and recognize each other, it is like turning the light on in dark room after a very long, dark night. I was so impressed by the authors who joined me that day, who were brave enough to bare their souls to all of us, and share their sometimes painful, truthful, less-than-perfect memories.
Since moving to Los Angeles, I've been lucky enough to find another group of Motherless Daughters, organized and sheperded by Irene Rubaum-Keller. Irene's group gathers every year on Mother's day, to honor and pay attention to the mixed feelings of our special group. A couple of years ago, I joined them, to have brunch and participate in another reading of "Kiss Me Goodnight." I was excited to hear Hope Edelman read from her second book about the psychology of Motherless Daughters, "Motherless Mothers." Again, I felt the unspoken kinship with and unconditional acceptance from the women there, who are all so much like me: broken, fierce, tender, loyal, melancholy, brave.
We see each other as we truly are, wounded, strong, memory-holders, courageous, truth-tellers; we all go on without a mother, we have no choice. Some of us are still angry at our mothers for leaving us, or for mistreating or neglecting us while they were alive. But all of us long for someone to make pancakes for on Mother's Day, and to turn to for advice, forgiveness, encouragement, perspective, or just the familiar face of our childhoods.
We go on. And we remember. We're here for you, if you ever need us. I hope it won't be anytime soon. But if you ever need to find us in that dark, lonely room, just turn on the light.
Happy Mother's Day & Compassionate Motherless Day to us all!
RESOURCES:
"Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety," by Judith Warner. Riverhead Books, New York, NY, 2005.
Kiss Me Goodnight: Stories And Poems By Women Who Were Girls When Their Mothers Died," Edited by Ann O'Fallon & Margaret Vaillancourt. Syren Book Company, Minneapolis, MN, 2005. http://www.kissmegoodnightbook.com/
http://www.itascabooks.com/
Irene Rubaum-Keller: Motherless Daughters of Los Angeles.
http://www.motherlessdaughtersbiz.com/ Irene's Blog: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/
"Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss" by Hope Edelman. Delta Press, 2004; "Motherless Mothers" by Hope Edelman. De Capo Press, 2006.
http://www.hopeedelman.com/
A Poem for all the Motherless Daughters:
"1983"
for Ellen
Fresh scent of frozen rain, fresh-turned red
earth thrown on her open grave, plain wooden
coffin etched with a simple star.
Born in Iowa, Episcopal Church, buried a Jew
on a whaling island, my mother chose
her epitaph from Chaucer: "And gladly wolde she learne
and gladly teache," in the barren winter ground
beneath a stone.
Young men with Uzis edge the Negev
fields - here it is spring. I harvest oranges
bigger than my fist, gather avocados deep in shaded groves
prune countless peach buds, fingers stained
dusk-rose and faintly sweet. Delicate white blossoms
limned by light, the bony breast of earth
lifts to the sun, another morning
motherless.
Rachel E. Pray
c. 2009
From: "Kiss Me Goodnight," Edited by Ann O'Fallon & Margaret Vaillancourt, Syren Book Company, Minneapolis, MN, 2005. Copyright c. by Ann O'Fallon & Margaret Vaillancourt, 2005.
In fact, a mother's over-involvement in her child's life is discouraged in French society, considered neurotic and unhealthy for both mother and child. Childcare is provided, for a negligible fee, by the French government, midwives and nannies are subsidized and affordable, and public schools are beyond adequate in providing education to all children, from preschool on. Warner was shocked to discover a culture of guilt, anxiety and perfectionism in the suburbs of middle class America. She dissects this profound difference in cultural values from a personal and well-informed journalistic perspective. Highly recommended to all, but required reading for any mother who has ever felt stressed out by the impossible standards and expectations placed on us by society, each other, and most importantly, ourselves.
Mother's Day is always a complex and bittersweet experience for me. When I was my daughter's age -- Talya is 11 -- I got up early and tiptoed downstairs to make pancakes for my mom. My little brother would join me and help as much as he could, setting out plates on a tray to take upstairs, and offering suggestions for the shape of the pancakes. I made hearts, animals, and even spelled out "MOM" with a few splatters and blobs of batter. It was fun, I felt grownup, and my mom loved having her breakfast served to her in bed. Even if it was a little bit burnt or gooey. My daughter is the best and most wonderful daughter that I ever could have imagined. She's smart, funny, artistic, and unique. But, she doesn't make me pancakes on Mother's Day.
That was a different time. These days, most kids don't use the stove without adult supervision, and most moms don't get to stay in bed, or sleep in on Sundays, or ever. I love Talya's hand-made cards and art projects from school, and keep them all. She has to do double duty, because she has two moms, so it's especially lovely to see her joyful face when she hands us our two Mothers' Day cards! But there is another, less joyful feeling that rises up in my chest on each and every Mother's Day. There is something missing, and the absence is profound. My mother, Ellen, would have loved Talya's cards, because she, too, was an artist. Talya never got a chance to meet her grandmother Ellen, because my mom died a long time ago. I miss her still.
If you're like me, part of an ever-growing tribe of adult women who no longer have a mother to call, send a card to, or make pancakes for, Mother's Day can feel lonely and surreal, a celebration and a memorial, all rolled into one. Over the many years since my mother died (26 Mother's Days have passed without her), I've found strategies for dealing with my sadness, and a community of Motherless Daughters -- kinfolk, so to speak -- to share my complicated feelings and dispel the loneliness.
Four years ago, I was privileged to be part of a wonderful and much-needed project that focussed on the motherless among us. It was the creation of the anthology, "Kiss Me Goodnight: Stories and Poems by Women Who Were Girls When Their Mothers Died." Lovingly edited and midwived by Ann O'Fallon and Margaret Vaillancourt, this book became a living, breathing project when the many contributing writers began to gather for readings at bookstores, colleges, and community centers around the country.
I organized one of the many Mother's Day readings of "Kiss Me Goodnight," at a Barnes & Noble bookstore in Amherst, in 2005. Several contributing authors showed up to participate. This small reading, publicized only with flyers, word of mouth, and a small announcement in the local paper, attracted the largest audience of any book reading at that popular college-town bookstore. To say that the motherless daughters of western Massachusetts were feeling a need to gather, and honor the memories of their mothers on Mother's Day, was an understatement. It was standing-room only.
My daughter came up and sat with me as I introduced the authors, and later read my poem. My partner, in-laws and brothers were there to lend support. It took all of my self-control and composure to keep from weeping as I looked out into that sea of women, and saw myself. The admiration, kinship and love I felt for those complete strangers threatened to overwhelm me. We are members of a quiet, nearly invisible club, and when we see and recognize each other, it is like turning the light on in dark room after a very long, dark night. I was so impressed by the authors who joined me that day, who were brave enough to bare their souls to all of us, and share their sometimes painful, truthful, less-than-perfect memories.
Since moving to Los Angeles, I've been lucky enough to find another group of Motherless Daughters, organized and sheperded by Irene Rubaum-Keller. Irene's group gathers every year on Mother's day, to honor and pay attention to the mixed feelings of our special group. A couple of years ago, I joined them, to have brunch and participate in another reading of "Kiss Me Goodnight." I was excited to hear Hope Edelman read from her second book about the psychology of Motherless Daughters, "Motherless Mothers." Again, I felt the unspoken kinship with and unconditional acceptance from the women there, who are all so much like me: broken, fierce, tender, loyal, melancholy, brave.
We see each other as we truly are, wounded, strong, memory-holders, courageous, truth-tellers; we all go on without a mother, we have no choice. Some of us are still angry at our mothers for leaving us, or for mistreating or neglecting us while they were alive. But all of us long for someone to make pancakes for on Mother's Day, and to turn to for advice, forgiveness, encouragement, perspective, or just the familiar face of our childhoods.
We go on. And we remember. We're here for you, if you ever need us. I hope it won't be anytime soon. But if you ever need to find us in that dark, lonely room, just turn on the light.
Happy Mother's Day & Compassionate Motherless Day to us all!
RESOURCES:
"Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety," by Judith Warner. Riverhead Books, New York, NY, 2005.
Kiss Me Goodnight: Stories And Poems By Women Who Were Girls When Their Mothers Died," Edited by Ann O'Fallon & Margaret Vaillancourt. Syren Book Company, Minneapolis, MN, 2005. http://www.kissmegoodnightbook.com/
http://www.itascabooks.com/
Irene Rubaum-Keller: Motherless Daughters of Los Angeles.
http://www.motherlessdaughtersbiz.com/ Irene's Blog: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/
"Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss" by Hope Edelman. Delta Press, 2004; "Motherless Mothers" by Hope Edelman. De Capo Press, 2006.
http://www.hopeedelman.com/
A Poem for all the Motherless Daughters:
"1983"
for Ellen
Fresh scent of frozen rain, fresh-turned red
earth thrown on her open grave, plain wooden
coffin etched with a simple star.
Born in Iowa, Episcopal Church, buried a Jew
on a whaling island, my mother chose
her epitaph from Chaucer: "And gladly wolde she learne
and gladly teache," in the barren winter ground
beneath a stone.
Young men with Uzis edge the Negev
fields - here it is spring. I harvest oranges
bigger than my fist, gather avocados deep in shaded groves
prune countless peach buds, fingers stained
dusk-rose and faintly sweet. Delicate white blossoms
limned by light, the bony breast of earth
lifts to the sun, another morning
motherless.
Rachel E. Pray
c. 2009
From: "Kiss Me Goodnight," Edited by Ann O'Fallon & Margaret Vaillancourt, Syren Book Company, Minneapolis, MN, 2005. Copyright c. by Ann O'Fallon & Margaret Vaillancourt, 2005.
April 20, 2009
Tools for Training
Speaking of dogs that pull (see below: "Durham Dog Training"), one of the best dog training tools I've come across recently are headcollars designed specifically for reducing pulling. These collars were designed by a horse trainer who realized that the best way to lead an animal is from the head, not the throat or neck area. Large, powerful animals like horses and camels can be safely led and directed with head halters. Why not dogs?
Some dogs pull because of inadequate training, but many dogs pull as a result of their breed. Huskies, Malamutes, Bully breeds, Akitas, and even hunting dogs tend to pull as a result of instinct, desire, and an overwhelming need to move forward and pursue prey. So, rather than getting into a pulling match or causing pain or even injury to a dog's neck, why not try a different kind of collar? I've used the Halti brand collar, and it works well, but some dogs can get out of it or pull it off with their paws. I've heard good things about the Gentle Leader Headcollar, and will field test it soon.
Whatever headcollar you choose, don't forget to slowly acclimatize your dog to the new system. Most dogs will not feel comfortable right away with a band around their nose, but with treats and repetition, they will get used to it! The beauty of these collars is that they are self-correcting: each time a dog pulls, it feels pressure across it's nose and the back of its neck, and reacts by slowing down to release the pressure. This is a completely humane, pain-free system that mimics behavior in the wild. Wolves will gently put pressure on the snout and back of the neck of any pack member that is asserting too much leadership, like trying to pull ahead of the pack! Most dogs will respond to the pressure by stopping or slowing down, and will learn to stop pulling without being forced, choked, or yanked.
No matter what type of collar or equipment you use, don't forget to keep training your dog!Reward the non-pulling behavior with positive reinforcement (allow sniffing, moving forward, praise, treats) and NEVER reward pulling. Allowing your dog to pull is self-rewarding to the dog. In other words, each and every time a dog pulls and is allowed to sniff or keep walking, the dog is getting a reward for pulling. Remember to stop and do not move forward unless and until the dog is not pulling on the leash or charging ahead.
Train your dog with repetition, positive reinforcement and patience. You will be rewarded with a happy, healthy, cooperative member of the pack. Enjoy!
Some dogs pull because of inadequate training, but many dogs pull as a result of their breed. Huskies, Malamutes, Bully breeds, Akitas, and even hunting dogs tend to pull as a result of instinct, desire, and an overwhelming need to move forward and pursue prey. So, rather than getting into a pulling match or causing pain or even injury to a dog's neck, why not try a different kind of collar? I've used the Halti brand collar, and it works well, but some dogs can get out of it or pull it off with their paws. I've heard good things about the Gentle Leader Headcollar, and will field test it soon.
Whatever headcollar you choose, don't forget to slowly acclimatize your dog to the new system. Most dogs will not feel comfortable right away with a band around their nose, but with treats and repetition, they will get used to it! The beauty of these collars is that they are self-correcting: each time a dog pulls, it feels pressure across it's nose and the back of its neck, and reacts by slowing down to release the pressure. This is a completely humane, pain-free system that mimics behavior in the wild. Wolves will gently put pressure on the snout and back of the neck of any pack member that is asserting too much leadership, like trying to pull ahead of the pack! Most dogs will respond to the pressure by stopping or slowing down, and will learn to stop pulling without being forced, choked, or yanked.
No matter what type of collar or equipment you use, don't forget to keep training your dog!Reward the non-pulling behavior with positive reinforcement (allow sniffing, moving forward, praise, treats) and NEVER reward pulling. Allowing your dog to pull is self-rewarding to the dog. In other words, each and every time a dog pulls and is allowed to sniff or keep walking, the dog is getting a reward for pulling. Remember to stop and do not move forward unless and until the dog is not pulling on the leash or charging ahead.
Train your dog with repetition, positive reinforcement and patience. You will be rewarded with a happy, healthy, cooperative member of the pack. Enjoy!
Durham Dog Training
I just got back from visiting my nephews in Durham, NC. Leo and Oliver are seven year-old twins and budding animal trainers. Both of them love horses and are curious to know more about training them. After a visit to a Wyoming Dude Ranch last year, they dream about living and working with horses someday. Because I didn't bring my horses with me to Durham, we focussed on learning how to train their dog, Romey. Romey is a wonderful dog, smart and loyal and affectionate. But she has a very strong urge to pull, and at one point she dragged Leo into the street, endangering both of them. I took the leash and after a few protests, explained that Romey needed some training in order to make it safer for them to take her on walks.
My nephews were eager to learn, and so with their enthusiasm and willingness making it easy and fun, I gave them an hour-long training session as we walked Romey to the local ice cream parlor and home again. We didn't have any dog treats, and the pet store was closed, so I had to make do with positive reinforcement of the non-food kind. Holding the leash in my hand for safety, I asked Leo to keep his hand gently touching the leash, close to Romey's collar. Each time Romey pulled on the leash, or walked ahead of either Leo or Oliver, I asked the boys to stop immediately. Each time Romey pulled or got ahead of them, they stopped in their tracks and stood still.
Romey responded by stopping as well, because she is very bonded to them, and doesn't want to leave her "pack" behind. She thinks that it is her job to lead, to take the alpha position when walking, because she hasn't learned or been taught anything else. Each time she's taken for a walk, she charges ahead, and is rewarded by being given access to sniffing, moving in front of her humans, and deciding for herself where she wants to go and at what pace. So, it's natural that she thinks this is the way she's supposed to behave. Romey has been "taught" that pulling is OK.
What my nephews and I were able to teach her, in one short training session, was that we wanted something else from her, and that she would be rewarded only for that behavior, but never rewarded for pulling. The reward in this case was the ability to move forward, and to sniff. Each time the twins stopped, Romey caught on more and more. She figured out that her job was to walk side by side with them, and not to pull or move ahead. When we got to the ice cream parlor, I waited outside with Romey and asked for calm behavior and a sit. Leo and Oliver wanted to train her to sit on command, and I told them we could try!
The first time I asked for a sit, Romey looked at me with a solid alpha stare and kept standing. Instead of repeating the voice command, I turned my attention away from her for a few seconds. When I turned back to her, she was looking at me with alertness and cooperation. I moved my hand over her head and towards her tail, said "Sit" once, and she did! This was rewarded with calm praise, and my attention. After a few minutes, I rewarded her for staying in the sit position, with more praise. Then I went inside the store, after firmly tying her leash to a bench, and asked her to "Stay." When my nephews and I came back outside, Romey was sitting calmly by the bench; she neither jumped up nor barked or wiggled when the boys sat down next to her. They were amazed, and couldn't believe that Romey could learn so quickly. It wasn't all that suprising: all Romey needed to know was that she didn't have to be in charge, that we humans would do that, and she could relax and just be with us.
Next, I asked the twins to sit calmly and not give Romey too much attention. Let's see how Romey reacts if we talk to each other, don't interact with her, and just let her be near us. Leo and Oliver were up for it, so we talked awhile, and something beautiful happened: Romey let out a deep sigh, her body and manner visibly relaxing, and she lay down next to her beloved boys. What a wonderful sight: my nephews happily eating ice cream with their big, gentle dog resting calmly at their feet.
Just an hour earlier, Romey had been filled with agitation, energy and restlessness. She had pulled and dragged her walker down the street and even into the street, stopped constantly to sniff along the way, and acted like the leader of the pack. Although she thought this was her job, it was causing problems and endangering her and her humans. Now, she could relax and be a dog, without the pressures of having to lead. She stayed close to the twins on the way home, and pulled and charged ahead only once or twice. We allowed her to sniff only when she was walking next to them, and not pulling. She learned to stop and sit at curbs, and the boys learned to decide when to cross, allowing Romey to move forward into the intersection only when they had moved forward first. It was truly amazing! And all without food treats, just the positive reinforcement of being given the reward of walking with her pack.
Of course, it will take many more repetitons and training sessions with Romey to cement this good behavior. Leo and Oliver are eager to continue her training, and I have encouraged them to keep working with her. And they will always need an adult to walk with them and hold the leash, as they continue Romey's training. But it was a terrific example of how quickly most dogs can learn, and how effectively you can train with clear, consistent commands and tangible rewards. Romey was such a willing and cooperative student, and that sigh of relief when she lay down was a powerful reminder of how much stress dogs can and do carry, if they are allowed (or even encouraged) to be the alpha.
With some consistent training and a calm leadership style, you can let your dog be a member of the pack, without the pressures and pitfalls of having to lead. Both of you will enjoy the relaxed, happy dog that results. Good luck, Romey! And much love and thanks to my nephews and future animal trainers/ranch owners, Oliver and Leo Egger, of Durham, NC. : )
My nephews were eager to learn, and so with their enthusiasm and willingness making it easy and fun, I gave them an hour-long training session as we walked Romey to the local ice cream parlor and home again. We didn't have any dog treats, and the pet store was closed, so I had to make do with positive reinforcement of the non-food kind. Holding the leash in my hand for safety, I asked Leo to keep his hand gently touching the leash, close to Romey's collar. Each time Romey pulled on the leash, or walked ahead of either Leo or Oliver, I asked the boys to stop immediately. Each time Romey pulled or got ahead of them, they stopped in their tracks and stood still.
Romey responded by stopping as well, because she is very bonded to them, and doesn't want to leave her "pack" behind. She thinks that it is her job to lead, to take the alpha position when walking, because she hasn't learned or been taught anything else. Each time she's taken for a walk, she charges ahead, and is rewarded by being given access to sniffing, moving in front of her humans, and deciding for herself where she wants to go and at what pace. So, it's natural that she thinks this is the way she's supposed to behave. Romey has been "taught" that pulling is OK.
What my nephews and I were able to teach her, in one short training session, was that we wanted something else from her, and that she would be rewarded only for that behavior, but never rewarded for pulling. The reward in this case was the ability to move forward, and to sniff. Each time the twins stopped, Romey caught on more and more. She figured out that her job was to walk side by side with them, and not to pull or move ahead. When we got to the ice cream parlor, I waited outside with Romey and asked for calm behavior and a sit. Leo and Oliver wanted to train her to sit on command, and I told them we could try!
The first time I asked for a sit, Romey looked at me with a solid alpha stare and kept standing. Instead of repeating the voice command, I turned my attention away from her for a few seconds. When I turned back to her, she was looking at me with alertness and cooperation. I moved my hand over her head and towards her tail, said "Sit" once, and she did! This was rewarded with calm praise, and my attention. After a few minutes, I rewarded her for staying in the sit position, with more praise. Then I went inside the store, after firmly tying her leash to a bench, and asked her to "Stay." When my nephews and I came back outside, Romey was sitting calmly by the bench; she neither jumped up nor barked or wiggled when the boys sat down next to her. They were amazed, and couldn't believe that Romey could learn so quickly. It wasn't all that suprising: all Romey needed to know was that she didn't have to be in charge, that we humans would do that, and she could relax and just be with us.
Next, I asked the twins to sit calmly and not give Romey too much attention. Let's see how Romey reacts if we talk to each other, don't interact with her, and just let her be near us. Leo and Oliver were up for it, so we talked awhile, and something beautiful happened: Romey let out a deep sigh, her body and manner visibly relaxing, and she lay down next to her beloved boys. What a wonderful sight: my nephews happily eating ice cream with their big, gentle dog resting calmly at their feet.
Just an hour earlier, Romey had been filled with agitation, energy and restlessness. She had pulled and dragged her walker down the street and even into the street, stopped constantly to sniff along the way, and acted like the leader of the pack. Although she thought this was her job, it was causing problems and endangering her and her humans. Now, she could relax and be a dog, without the pressures of having to lead. She stayed close to the twins on the way home, and pulled and charged ahead only once or twice. We allowed her to sniff only when she was walking next to them, and not pulling. She learned to stop and sit at curbs, and the boys learned to decide when to cross, allowing Romey to move forward into the intersection only when they had moved forward first. It was truly amazing! And all without food treats, just the positive reinforcement of being given the reward of walking with her pack.
Of course, it will take many more repetitons and training sessions with Romey to cement this good behavior. Leo and Oliver are eager to continue her training, and I have encouraged them to keep working with her. And they will always need an adult to walk with them and hold the leash, as they continue Romey's training. But it was a terrific example of how quickly most dogs can learn, and how effectively you can train with clear, consistent commands and tangible rewards. Romey was such a willing and cooperative student, and that sigh of relief when she lay down was a powerful reminder of how much stress dogs can and do carry, if they are allowed (or even encouraged) to be the alpha.
With some consistent training and a calm leadership style, you can let your dog be a member of the pack, without the pressures and pitfalls of having to lead. Both of you will enjoy the relaxed, happy dog that results. Good luck, Romey! And much love and thanks to my nephews and future animal trainers/ranch owners, Oliver and Leo Egger, of Durham, NC. : )
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